Words words words
My head screams in silence
Sounds of music soothe me
But the night demands the quiet
My mind reels from nighttime reading
Searching for answers in visual cues
The photos lure me as they see me
The screen blinks in shadowy hues
Counting down to the first light of dawn
As the world awakens in a gradual shift
The weakness of the night reveals what is strong
And my worries and fears are set free to drift
This is one of those times when you wake up during the night filled with confusing thoughts and emotions and the next thing you know, you’re writing a poem that may make very little sense, but then, and only then, you fall back to sleep.
The funny thing is, I’ve mostly lived in brand new houses. But that one time, and it only takes one time, there was that old house…
Old Houses
Old houses are scary
Didn’t they know that about me
Or didn’t they care
Thinking they could take me anywhere
Their whims led them
Their limbs fed them
House to house
Door to door
For richer or poorer
Deception was their slave and their ruler
Cobwebs in the buggy in the old garage
Hidden was the spouse or was it a mirage
Memories jumping out as spooky as the night
Why were they surprised when I stood up to fight
The mist hangs over locking the doors
Prayers and fasting knock me to the floor
Foggy are the mirrors in the season of Lent
Coming out wiser is a time well spent
Light from the sun as bedrooms change borders
Sons over daughters questioning the order
Looking back are fears and questions
Breaking the mirror was not a suggestion
Lost in the bedroom without any power
Anger rising to the surface hour by hour
Caught in a web without an election
Packing the car, tires squealing like an ejection
Owning my power was the most courageous thing I did
Praying tonight for the world’s protection of kids
I desire to desire to desire to love and forgive and forget
But, clearly, I am not quite there yet
It’s the 8th day of NaPoWriMo (yearly poetry challenge in the month of April), and I’d forgotten all about it until I sat down to write my feelings down and it turned into a poem of sorts.
To be honest, I’ve been struggling about which art to focus on this month, so maybe I should take a shot at NaPoWriMo, in my own way.
Seen vs Heard
It seems when I want to be heard, I’m ignored
And when I want to be ignored, I’m seen
I don’t know what troubles me more
That or the guilt I feel when I let off some steam
Tears silently fall on cheeks so small
Memories flow as tales unfold
Satin caresses on aqua robes
Brown padded comfort as warm as hugs
Golden child who squeezes and purrs
Offering gifts of strings of pearls
Far more valued that rarest gold
Holding on to folds of love
Moving on means leaving behind
Tenderly held what once was mine
Never again with love once shared
Rocking in that old brown chair
Drums pounding in my brain
Will I ever fall asleep again?
Plots simmer in my thoughts
Telling stories I’ve yet to write
Dreaming to be read like the books on my shelf
Music hammers all night long
Composing melodies and scheming rhymes
Verse and chorus climb the ridge
Leading me to the dreaded bridge
Thus is the life of an Indie Artist
On the outside where everything is fine
Smiles and happy faces reassuring others making them feel better
Halfway on the inside is okay, if not sublime
Sipping coffee, thinking pleasant thoughts of things that seldom matter
But look deep down on the inside where our true selves live
The self we try to deny
As we medicate with fibs
And cover up with lies
California girls must be happy no matter what
Even the cows are happy the dairy farmers claim
It’s a lifestyle and what makes California living amazingly great
Or so they say
The weather is beautiful and the beaches must be seen
Surfing, Coppertone tans, lying in the sand, heart filled with joy
Beach boys music rule like Big Kahuna kings
Riding swells with thrills as the surf slams the shore
But in the night when the truth fairies come out
Peeking into that corner in the darkness of the heart
When the world’s fake cheer quiets down
A still small voice can be heard
Gratitude abounds, let there be no doubt
The truth doesn’t deny the good in life
Feelings matter, you shouldn’t have to shout
The war between inside/outside creates the world’s strife
I don’t know how to say what I mean
Whenever I’m around you
I feel myself blush and my cheeks grow hot
Whenever I’m near you
I can’t eat my salad when we meet for lunch
Sitting across from you
I dream of you late at night
I can’t keep my eyes off you when you’re in sight
Is this love?
Is this a crush?
Are we friends?
With benefits?
Time speeds by when we’re together
Be still my beating heart
Time slows to a painful crawl like an LA freeway
Whenever we’re apart
No more questions, now I know
These are the thoughts of a woman in love
Kathy Holmes @ Screamie Birds Studios 